TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely outside of place. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let's have another spot where American Adult men can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: present everyone a set to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he ought to cease applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the project, replied, "You already know, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from space, a element getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not merely hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "wherever's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is presently attracting interest from Worldwide traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will also contain:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have convert-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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